31, Happily Married, Childless

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Someone recently shared an article with me. Its title surmises it well, “Why your choice to not have kids is awesome”. If you’re interested in reading it you can find it here.

One line that really struck a chord with me was, “You want to open yourself up to a huge stinking pile of judgment? Just be a childless female over 30. Even worse, a married childless female over 30 — a woman who chooses not to have a child.” Over the years I’ve encountered many who question my life choices and others who are much more concerned about my fertility than I am. I’ve had people question me, wondering what I’m going to do when I’m old and don’t have children to take care of me or what I’ll do if I change my mind one day. Besides being completely inappropriate questions to ask someone you barely know, these aren’t the things that I struggle with in my choice to be childless.

The judgement is something I’ve always been prepared to deal with. Yes, sometimes it’s exhausting, but I’ve learned to just brush it off and keep doing my thing. What I was never prepared for was how lonely being a childless woman in her 30s would be. And that, is why I’m writing this.

My husband and I are very much in agreement about our decision, but I don’t feel like he can relate to being a 30+ year old woman in my position. When his friends call him to get together, they go for beer, play music, go to concerts, and play hockey. Their children, aren’t involved in these activities. When my friends ask me to get together it’s usually at a park, so the kids can play, or for a walk, while the kids sleep in the stroller, or to a first birthday party for someone’s child, a party I’m positive my ‘kids’ aren’t invited to as they would likely eat the cake single-handedly and destroy the bouncy castle in mere seconds. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate children. Not even a little bit. I’m just at a point in my life where all of my female friends have children, so a relationship with them usually means a relationship with their children too. My friends have some pretty incredible minions, but every once in awhile I just want to drink wine and talk about cats (am I right, Jenny and Haley!?).

When I was newly married and in my 20’s, telling people we had made the decision to not have children read a bit like a joke. Most people chuckled when I told them (I’m not sure why it’s an amusing statement, but that was a common response). I feel like many people didn’t take my statement seriously and were silently thinking that we were still young and had plenty of time to change out minds.

My husband and I have had a lot of very serious conversations about having a child. I often wondered if maybe we had made a mistake, maybe we should have a baby? Everyone else was, maybe we were missing out on something we didn’t even realize we might love? Maybe we would love being parents? The logical part of me stops there though and realizes that the fact that I MIGHT love it, doesn’t even come close to resembling a good idea. In fact, that’s probably the worst reason to have a kid – because it might be ok. What if I hated every second of it, it’s not like I can just give a baby back. I’m stuck with that person for the rest of my life, and there’s still a 50/50 chance it might hate me and not take care of me when I’m old. It’s basically a recipe for disaster.

While I struggled with this back and forth battle, making pros and cons lists, pretending this is a situation where that might be an appropriate response, I sunk deeper and deeper into a lonely darkness. Social media constantly reminding me that my four-legged children will never dance in competitions, sing in Christmas concerts, or graduate from high school. I’ve always struggled with feeling like an outsider and not quite fitting in, but now it couldn’t be more obvious that there is a very big part of life that looks nothing like that of so many of my peers.

I know that I’m just at that stage in my life where women my age are having babies and focusing on their families and I’m so happy for each and every one of them. I love that they’re all doing what makes their hearts happy. And, while I’ve struggled a lot with the loneliness this time in my life has brought, I’ve decided it’s time I embrace it and find the things that make my heart happy and work toward that too.

The decision to have children or not have children should never be taken lightly. It’s a life altering decision, either way. I just hope that the few people who have scoffed at my decision over the years or who have called me selfish, understand that this decision, the decision to be childless, was not an easy one. And just like those who have chosen an alternate path from mine, there are days when I question if I made the right choice. It’s taken me a long time and a lot of soul searching, but I’m finally coming around to a place where I’m confident in my choices and living the life I need to live to make my heart happy.

Mr. T.

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Eight years ago, I met a man who, on our third date, came to my work and brought me coffee and a mixed tape (actually a mixed cd with a mixed tape drawn on it). Aaron, you won my heart and it was on that day I knew I never wanted to live a life without you in it.

Five years ago, you, and our families played along with my crazy idea to travel all the way to Richmond Virginia (somewhere not a single one of us had ever been to) so we could get married in the gardens at the Edgar Allan Poe museum. We held hands and promised to love and respect one another until the end of our days.

Today, we celebrate another year married, another year with my best friend.

You have humored me and encouraged a life of love and spontaneity; a life of laughter and adventures. I can’t thank you enough for being a man who understood the importance of driving hours out of our way to follow a billboard to a store called the Mousehouse Cheesehaus for no other reason than, we simply wanted to see what it was all about. You are the man who took off his shoes and socks to follow me through a river because I wanted to see how deep it was and you didn’t want to be ‘out adventured’. The man who didn’t hesitate when I told him he needed to drive around the block again solely so we could drive by a house with a front window filled with bulldogs. For always remembering to hide the cookies because, well, they like cookies.

The past eight years have been filled with so many wonderful moments which seem to get better year after year. Mr. T. I love you more than anything. Thank you for being you, encouraging me to be me, and for the most amazing eight years of my life. I can’t wait to celebrate so many more!

Truck got stuck

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Well it was truck after truck, we all got stuck

‘cept the big old four by Hutterite truck

We all thought lord are we in luck!

But he wouldn’t come anywhere near us,

Mighty neighbourly, mighty neighbourly. – Corb Lund

 

I don’t know, Aaron. This road looks like it might be kind of squishy.

We have 4-wheel drive!

No, we have all-wheel… (Sorento starts to fishtail and slowly slide into the ditch)

We rocked, pushed, and pulled, but she was stuck.

Up the road we could see an older couple walking toward us. We were in luck, someone to help us out! They were within earshot but instead of extending a hand, the gentleman raised his eyebrow and bluntly asked us if we were blind.

I wanted to tell him that, yes, clinically, I’m pretty near to blind, but I don’t think he would have found it funny. And, in our defence, the road truly didn’t look that bad. But, a peaked gravel road and a patch of slippery mud didn’t work in our favour.

The couple kept walking, offering us nothing more than disapproving glares. Mighty neighbourly.

The harder we tried to get ourselves unstuck, the more stuck we became so we figured it was time to call in the professionals.

One thing I’ll never understand is why people choose to own businesses but then act as though you’re inconveniencing them to provide the service they’ve chosen to provide. Anyway, long story short the tow truck finally showed up and Dave was a lot happier in person than on the phone. A lot happier until…

Well it was truck after truck we all got stuck. – Corb Lund

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Processed with VSCOcam with wwf presetDave sure knows how to cuss. I’ve never heard profanities yelled as loudly or with as much gusto as I did when his first tow truck also got stuck. Personally, I was impressed that our Kia Sorento managed to make it much further into the mess than his tow truck. I didn’t bring this up though, I was scared about how Dave might respond.

We’d pull one truck out and get another stuck in

And motors would roar and tires would spin

We’d sink right down, down to the diff, and we’d all take turns and do it again

Till no one could move, we’d call one more friend,

Come on out here, we need you, bring your truck – Corb Lund

As Dave hooked up the chains from his second tow truck to arrive at the scene, he laughed and told us he hoped we won the 649 last night. I told him that we didn’t, but we did have snacks with us! He wasn’t impressed.

Spilled antifreeze, mud trenches nearly waist deep, $15 in change at the car wash, a few ticks, and two and a half hours later, we were out of the ditch and back on the road.Processed with VSCOcam with wwf preset

What started as a geocaching day date turned into a hilariously fun grand-adventure. We couldn’t help but laugh about the entire situation and both agreed it’s one of the best dates we’ve had in our eight years together.

The geocaching website warns that, like all outdoor adventures, it can be dangerous. So please follow Dave’s advice and stay on the pavement kids!

Conversations with my Mother…

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Conversations with my Mother…

First, allow me to introduce the participants in said conversation.

Brett – My brother, Corey – Brett’s best friend, Emily – My niece, Kyle – Emily’s boyfriend (He’s from Ireland; which will be an important point for later), Aaron – My husband, Me, and Shelley – My mother

Scene – We’re at a party in a warehouse.

Me – Corey, is Kelly (his girlfriend) a tidier roommate than Brett?

Corey – Oh, no. Definitely not. She’s a collector of… things. She’s basically a hoarder of trinkets and… stuff.

Shelley – Oh!  Like Scrotchies! No, scrunchies, crotchies, scorch, scrunch…

We all look at her, puzzled.

Shelley – Kyle!  You probably know! I think it’s an English word, like scotchies!

Me – Mom, Kyle isn’t English… he’s from Ireland.

Shelley – Well, it’s practically the same thing!

Me – Except that it’s a different country.

Shelley – It’s like…. CROTCH! (she screams at Aaron while slapping her leg triumphantly). No, that’s not it.

Laughter fills my eyes with tears while my bladder threatens to betray me.

Kyle’s parents are leaving the party so Emily and Shelley go say goodbye to them.

Shelley – I’ll ask them, they’ll probably know!

Emily – Oh please don’t grandma!

After embarrassing Emily, Shelley and Emily join our conversation again.

Shelley – We should just google it. Just google it Aaron.

Aaron – We probably shouldn’t google search crotch…

Corey – Oh God please don’t image search that!

Shelley – No, just do it!  Google scrotchie!

Aaron wisely googles synonyms for trinkets.

Aaron – ….you guys aren’t going to believe this. Tchotchke, it’s a word for trinkets.

Shelley – See; crotchskies! (smirking and proud to prove us wrong she gets up and walks away)

You get what you pay for

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In nearly every aspect of life, you get what you pay for. Nose-bleed-section hockey tickets are no exception.

We’ve purchased seats up against the back walls of many rinks and the energy up there is always unique and unsurprisingly, much different than next to the glass. If you aren’t close enough to see the blood dripping from the fights on the ice, then you’re usually in the middle of an entirely different kind of chaos. It’s prime real estate for eavesdropping and people watching.

As the neon lights above center ice wind down, the number of beers consumed increased. I watched as my section companions stumble up and down the stairs for beer runs and bathroom trips. By end of the game I’m sure I completed my daily 100 squats simply from rising to allow the drunk frat boys in and out of the aisle.

One of the groups of college kids brought a responsible adult with them. However, I think they wound up babysitting their chaperone at the end of the night. By the beginning of the third period he was screaming for the players to fight, or the refs, or the men shoveling the ice. He didn’t care who fought, he just wanted blood shed. Beer and spit flew from his mouth as he cursed at everyone on the ice for doing their job, not doing their job, and anything else he could think to yell at them. Half his beer ended up down the back of the woman sitting in front of him and he was much more quiet from that point on.

Around that same time, the action picked up on the ice and across the aisle from us. Tequila mini bottles were scattered across the cement floor and as the height of the plastic beer glasses grew, so did the volume of chants coming from a fan. It began harmlessly, but ended up with him calling everyone in our section pussies because we weren’t humoring him enthusiastically enough. Most in attendance would rather have watched the game than his antics, vulgarities were thrown, individuals were restrained and, I’m sure you’ve all seen these scenes play themselves out before.

I feel we got our money’s worth, a hockey game and an episode of Game of Thrones really was worth the price of tickets. The Bruins lost this one, but we were thoroughly entertained from start to finish.

After the game, we hopped the T to get back to our hotel. A few stops before ours, an immaculately dressed couple, both sporting grey hair, boarded the packed train. Aaron and I rose from our seats to let them have our spot for their ride. They expressed their gratitude, but the man refused to sit while I, a woman, stood. He admitted he knew most people would want to “punch him in the nose” for insisting a woman, completely capable of standing, sit, while he stood, but I told him I respected him for being a gentleman. We had a great chat with the couple. The husband noticed our Bruins apparel and told us stories about going to Bruins and Red Sox paying $3.25 to see games as a kid. He recalled watching Milt Schmidt play, who just recently celebrated his 98th birthday. We left the T, smiles plastered on our faces, having ended our day on a wonderful note.

Cup and Handle

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I’ve been reading Stephen King’s Bazaar of Bad Dreams and he introduced each story by writing a bit of background about it and how it came to be. He describes the process as needing to find a cup and handle, and then putting them together to create something that works.

A few years ago I was driving through my hometown and walking down the street was this old lady and a few feet in front of her was one of the roundest, fattest cats I’ve ever seen. It was unexpected and hilarious. I tucked the scene away, knowing it would come in handy at a later date. Earlier this year I received a text from a good friend with an concept for a story, a witch who steals laughter. Almost immediately, I knew I had both my cup and handle and that is how this story began.

This is the first witch story I’ve written this year and I think it will be one that receives more attention in the future and possibly added to my book (eee!!!).

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Her stocking-covered flesh oozed between the thick straps of her orthotic sandals as she waddled up the sidewalk. Gnarled hands gripped tightly to a walker she stole from the man who lived down the street from her. She didn’t need it’s assistance but she knew it added to the charade. Last night she added sparkly cat stickers to the frame, they covered up the name Cooper and added just the right amount of color to the prop.

Her shadow fell hard against the pavement and sweat slid over the dents and grooves that made up her face. A few feet in front of her stark outline was the boulder-like shadow of her cat. Frank’s mass of fat and fur waddled over the cracked pavement in a comical performance. This was, of course, all part of her plan.

Single file, they made their way up the block like camels through a desert. Fragrant sour cabbage filled her nostrils. While it was one of her favorite dishes, the scent wasn’t as pleasant when seeping up from beneath the layers of her loose cotton dress and wool cardigan.

Cars slowed as they passed, laughing and pointing as the pair cautiously made their way over the broken path. She nodded and waved at each car, gaining strength from their smiling faces. She took only a little from these victims, such a small amount that they would never miss it nor feel it.

Rainbows danced off of the cartoon cat stickers under the late morning sun. Her grip on the walker loosened as her weathered body soaked in the giggles bouncing on the hot air around her. She felt her body grow stronger; younger. Over the years she experimented with a variety of tactics, but she always favored the ones that involved Frank. Once a mere tool used to her benefit, she had now grown quite fond of the cat. His plump frame welcomed the fuel she required, he made this process easy on her and for that, she was grateful.

There was once a time when she would steal from one soul at a time. Spells woven to squeeze every ounce of happy chatter from her victims and leave them a black withered shell to wander their remaining years lost in perpetual melancholy. And, while that would always be the method she favored, unwelcome attention followed closely beside it.

Her heart quickened as she approached her final destination. It was nearly noon and she knew she would only need a few minutes to restore the last five years of aging. The wheels of Mr. Cooper’s walker twisted sideways before straightening over the horizontal lines of the crosswalk. She lifted the light frame back up onto the curb and followed Frank through the opening in the chain-link fence. She spun the walker around, pushing the wheels up to the metal lattice and eased herself onto the hard plastic seat. Frank lazily looked back over his shoulder at the witch and flopped hard against the tarmac rubbing his whiskers against the warm ground. The school bell sounded and within seconds children spilled from the doors. She lifted her chin to the sun and sucked in all of their delighted squeals.

Penny Lane

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Processed with VSCOcam with c1 preset7:42 am Wednesday January 13 – I’m in the shower mid face wash and I can hear Aaron yelling from the living room. I’m annoyed because I think he’s hollering about something ridiculous and I can’t hear him over the shower. Turns out he had good reason for yelling. Our 100lb 9-year-old ridgeback is immobile and barely responsive. I still have soap on my face, I’m dripping wet, and I’m huddled over my dog that I’m sure is dying in front of me. I sob and tell her I’m not ready for this and that she isn’t allowed to leave me yet. In a panic I managed to get clothes on my body and in what felt like seconds we are carrying her through the doors of our beloved vet.

Long story short, she ate some pebbles, leaves, twigs, and a very small, but very pointy object. We were presented with a bill that is equivalent to a trip to Europe and the task of being on potty patrol for the next month in hopes that our decision to take a conservative route pays off. I imagine this is what new parents feel like… taking pictures of bowel movements to show their doctors, logging the amount of food your child has eaten and how quickly it runs through their body. I was pretty sure this was one of the reasons we chose to NOT have kids. Someone out there is laughing at us right now because we’re faced with the same tasks as a new parent, minus the free healthcare. Maybe we didn’t think this life decision through as well as we thought we had?

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In all seriousness, this is a pretty wonderful life we live.  Even though I would love to have a heart-to-heart with Penny and find out what part of eating random objects she found in the yard was a good idea, I love her more than I can begin to express. And, while I’m sure the staff at TMz Vet clinic will never see this, I need to say thank you. Thank you for loving our monsters just as much as we do. For truly understanding how much they mean to us and giving them the best care a dog Mom could ask for. They make owning pets easy because we know we have the most incredible team of people we can turn to in emergencies like this and the well-being of our family is always their top priority.

Today, the sun is streaming through the window, warming both me and Penny as we share her bed.  She’s sleeping, toes twitching, tail wagging periodically, I’m writing and this is a moment I want to remember.

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Intentions

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As the end of the year drew near I started gathering all of my ideas and resolutions and tucking them away for later like a squirrel with acorns. I knew I would need them, I just wasn’t quite ready to do anything with them yet. I’ve been sitting on my stashed away notes and goals for a good month now and I think I’m finally ready to commit them to something more concrete than crumpled post-it notes. Please feel free to call me out on it if I’m failing hopelessly at any of these.

  1. Log a minimum of 1,000 miles on my Fitbit this year. And within that 1,000, a minimum of 365 of those miles must be running. Realistically, this should be easy, but if I don’t write it, I can’t be held accountable for actually doing it. If you’re a Fitbit user and want to cheer (or taunt) me on, add me here.
  2. Read 80 books. I’m including audiobooks in that number. And no, I do not consider that cheating. If you’re interested in following along, you can find me on Goodreads here.
  3. Have more respect for this shell that carries me through the day to day and feed it with proper fuel.  …I just ate a chocolate bar for lunch so I’m off to an awful start with this one! I have a game plan for this though and it revolves around Happy Herbivore’s Meal Plans. I’m confident it will be the glue to hold this goal together.
  4. Put myself, my health, and my well-being first more often so that I can be a better partner to my husband, and a better friend and family member to those I care about.
  5.  Write! For the first time ever, I promise that this goal will see a lot of love. I have a very serious game plan in place. I’ve told, well, pretty much anyone who will listen, and a few who didn’t about this and I’m 100% committed. I’ll be working on a book this year too. I don’t want to put too much pressure on myself for when that will be finished but I’ve promised myself that by the end of the year I’ll have completed enough work on that project so that I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished.

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Circle Pit

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Spit and snot sprayed from their faces as they cavorted in manic circles. Their limbs lose, and flailing at one another. I pressed myself into the wall and watched as they danced in their circle pit. Smiles filled their faces, an indication they were enjoying themselves, but this was not a game I understood nor knew the rules to. They screamed and grunted at one another like wild animals. I couldn’t decipher their words, but they appeared to understand each other. Round and round they flew like vultures circling their prey.

At the same moment I began to wonder how long this could possibly go on, they bounded up the stairs from my office, expressing their immediate need of a snack.
“Bye Auntie!!!” They hollered as they made their way into the kitchen.Processed with VSCOcam with g3 preset